Monday, 3 March 2014

A number

Age. The number of years since you were born. A measurement. I don't want to give it any other meaning or importance. Yet it is hard to resist using it as a benchmark, especially numbers divisible by ten. The thoughts just seem to creep in....by 30, I should be in a certain place in my life and achieved X, Y, and Z.

If you had asked the young me what I thought I would be like at my current age, I would have described someone looking much older than I do now, raising a family, owning a home. Not very accurate. But I didn't know what my current self knows now.

A co-worker of mine, much younger than I am, was ruminating over turning a certain age. My pitiful response was - oh, you have lots of years ahead of you. What does that mean? It was a silly response. What do I really think? When I think about what my age really means to me, it doesn't mean anything. Am I living by the set of values that I think are important? Am I following my dreams? Am I learning? Ok. I am good with that. Regardless of the number. Now I just have to remember that.

I know I won't be able to ignore all numbers. And some days my body feels more like this heron appears than it used to-weathered, creaky. I dream of the days when I could just play a pick-up game of soccer without warming up and not pull a quad muscle. Now I must be smarter. More patient with my body.

My biggest issue with age is my appearance. It has caused me frustration over the years. I know people pay large amounts of money to look younger than their number but the grass is not always greener. In my adult life, I have often been mistaken for around 10 years younger than my actual age. The following scenario has been repeated over and over again. Someone comments that I am so mature for my age. I tend to respond with - you may not realize how old I am and share my age. The person is shocked and takes another good look at me. Maybe looking for clues. Re-calibrating their initial judgement of me.

I have gone through phases where it has gotten under my skin. I refuse to act more seriously (I am already serious enough!), wear more make-up, change my style, or any other idea I can come up with to try to make that initial judgement align closer to my age. It has given me lots of laughs and a few uncomfortable moments, like suddenly realizing that my 16 year old airplane seat mate was flirting with me...when I was 32.

I am the most settled with my age and appearance than I have ever been in my life. For the moment, anyway :)

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