Dreams

It takes awhile for dreams to become clear to me.  This one has taken me about 15 years to realize and find the nerve to pursue.  As I was packing up my belongings to put in storage, I re-read my past travel journals of Scottish holidays.  There was a phrase repeated in every journal - what would it be like to live in Scotland?  I recognize now that it has always a dream of mine.

At first, I convinced myself that it was the "holiday syndrome".  I tend to fall in love with the places I holiday.  I leave my responsibilities and troubles behind.  I fill my days with fun.  I treat myself to great food and drink.  I spend each day learning and experiencing new things.  My holidays in Scotland have been especially wonderful.  I have met interesting and generous people, seen amazing wildlife and spectacular geography, dined on delicious seafood, raised a glass or two of whisky with friends, enjoyed talented and heart warming musicians, and shared many laughs.  Surely everyday life would be different.

Yet each time I came back, my attachment grew.  As I have learned more about the culture, I have developed a great respect for the country and its people.  I believe everyone should have access to health care and education.  I believe a little generosity goes a long way.  I believe that a community that is considerate, respectful, and supportive of each other helps everyone have a greater quality of life.  I believe we should be striving for a sustainable living environment and balance with the natural world.  I could go on.  The point is I think my values fit well with the culture.  

Then it became fear that stopped me from acting.  What happens if I am not able to find a job to support myself?  How will I ever save enough for retirement?  Is it even possible to start establishing a new life at this age?  No, it is not really a new life but in the eyes of banks and landlords and cellphone companies, it is.  Whether real or not, I felt that I needed to stay on my current path to ensure I could live my life in a level of comfort.  I have worked hard to establish myself in the States and be able to support my smaller dreams like staying fit, traveling, photography.  I have a wonderful support structure of family and friends.  I was scared to interrupt or basically abandon what I had worked so hard to obtain.  And in the case of family and friends, scared that the distance would result in losing them in my life.  

During a trip to Shetland in May, I realized that I would regret not trying, regret letting my fears win.  In fact, it is great that I understand my fears and can be proactive to address them.  I can't point to one event in particular.  Losing a good friend who I talked about dreams with often to cancer definitely made an impact.  A new found self confidence also played a part.  Getting to know people living here helped confirm my perception of life in Scotland.  Whatever it was, I knew deep in my heart that I wanted to experience living in Scotland.

Now seven months later, I am waking up in Scotland.

I am going to add a few posts about those seven months for those interested in the crazy details of how I got here.  Then the blog will be dedicated to activities, observations, and random thoughts while I live here.